The cryptics of cryptocurrency - Strand

Don’t get crypto? Don’t worry, nobody does!
So, there’s a guy at the table next to you discussing the future of crypto, and NFTs, and ETAs, and NBDs, and HBDs, and whatnot. You’re frustrated because you don’t understand a word he’s saying. You don’t want to ask him out of fear that he will: a) mansplain to you, b) bring forth the wrath of the A*drew T*te fandom, or c) actually explain it to you—with a truly futile effort because you can’t wrap your head around how people are *supposedly* making millions by trading, what… laptop pixels?? Fret not, my dear, normal friend. Here is a quick guide to understanding the world of crypto and NFTs.
Let’s begin by breaking down the word cryptocurrency. Cryptocurrency = crypto + currency. Currency = money, moola, the green, you name it. Easy, right? Now, crypto. According to the dictionary on my MacBook, crypto is “short for cryptography.” Duh. Hope this clears that part up for you!
Next, you may ask, how do I buy cryptocurrency? Great question, indeed! I will respond to your question with another, more profound one: how does one buy anything? The market, of course! Just ~the market~. So, just go to the crypto market and buy some! Simple.
Thirdly, what do you do with crypto? Obviously, you buy it, then you sell it, then you buy some more, then you question the meaning of everything you’re doing, then you show your little cryptocoins (is that what they call them??) to your little crypto buddies for some bonus points and a fruit-scented sticker for doing good crypto work, and then you lose some, win some, cry a little, eat, pray, love, repeat. That’s what I think happens, tbh.
Lastly, you might wonder, “Will I become rich from crypto?” Well, does a baby pig rub sunscreen on its back as the cat plays guitar in the hay? Yeah, me neither.
Listen, just gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss! Someone asks if you trade crypto? Ask them incredulously if you look like the kind of person who wouldn’t be trading crypto. Stupid question. Next. Your neighbour wonders where you bought your bitcoin? At the bitcoin thrift shop, duh. Location? Dunno. Your finance friends want to know how much crypto you’re making? Yes, you say. Yes.
Now, on the other hand, some people may be experimenting with NFTs: non-fungible tokens. Now, as a biology student, I perceived the word ‘fungible’ to designate some sort of fungus. But, to my knowledge, NFTs are nothing like yeast infections. I don’t think so, at least. And by ‘token,’ I don’t think they mean those things you present at amusement parks. I’m just clearing the air here, in case you were confused. Let’s get into NFTs now.
I think what you do is you sell a really, um, artistic work of art (?) like a monkey wearing glasses or something that would catch a 13-year-old boy’s attention in 2015, and then sell it for a value equivalent to Jeff Bezos’s net worth. Someone on the NFT market will definitely buy it, don’t worry. And then when you want to buy things in stores or on Amazon, you just show them that you’re an NFT bro and they’ll sell you everything. Of course, of course you’ll be rich. Guaranteed, 100% cashback, no returns—all legit, cold, hard, cash.
I hope this piece has helped you feel educated about the cash of the future! Drop a lil’ comment down below about your next crypto adventure. And if you ever really do find out what NFTs are, let me know! Because THAT is the true Agatha Christie mystery of our time.
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