Well, this cryptocurrency thing seems to have a few flaws.
I never have been too keen on it. Pouring my life savings into an unregulated hipster enterprise endorsed by Larry David and Gwyneth Paltrow somehow doesn’t strike me as a particularly astute financial move.
Even the names put me off. “Bitcoin” sounds cheap. “Shiba Inu” is named for a dog breed. (And the dogs themselves are considerably more valuable than the currency.)
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So, I was already skeptical before billions of dollars disappeared in the collapse of whatever FTX is. Now? I’m more wedded than ever to regular old currency, which I also don’t understand but seems less likely to have been invented at a frat party.
Still, I’m not predicting the end of alternative currencies. Far from it. I’m sure many new forms of them will spring up once the public forgets how wacky this first go-round has been.
Of course, we live in a world of infinite consumer choice now, so no single form of currency — crypto or otherwise — is likely to suit all investors. I think currencies will get increasingly exotic as time goes by.
Here are some alternatives to cryptocurrency that I’m certain are just over the horizon:
Klepto-currency: Special monetary setup that enables the 1% to dodge taxes in all kinds of creative ways. Oh, wait, that’s the system we have now. Never mind.
Pepto-currency: Just like regular currency, only it’s pink.
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Speedo-currency: Fashionable but creates embarrassing bulges in your pants.
Limbo-currency: Popular at island-themed parties, but you will have to bend over backwards to get anyone to accept it elsewhere.
Avocado-currency: Starts out bright green and hard as a rock, but gains value as it ripens.
Cardio-currency: Similar to cryptocurrency except instead of “mining” it by solving math puzzles, you create it by spending three hours on a treadmill at 90% of your maximum heart rate.
Sumo-currency: A savings vehicle for the undisciplined, it can’t be spent until you push a 400-pound guy in a loin cloth away from the piggy bank.
Cilantro-currency: Well-regarded by some; others think it’s worthless and tastes like soap.
Aero-currency: Bank notes that aren’t really worth much but make great paper airplanes.
Nitro-currency: It explodes in value when mixed with glycerin.
Knit coin: Yarn-based currency that, if it catches on, could give sweaters a whole new cachet.
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Spit coin: Invented with security in mind. Before every transaction, you have to prove your identity through a DNA test that involves drooling into a tube.
Legit coin: Shiny little medallions imprinted with symbols and considered valuable because they are composed of precious metals highly prized by most societies. Or has that already been done?
Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist
joe.blundo@gmail.com
@joeblundo
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